Can we agree to stop assuming straight is the default?

Written By Charlie Ocean
 
 
 

Can we agree to stop assuming straight is the default? In the previous episode, Josée Sovinsky (she/her) shared out the allyship tip for people to "...actively seek out opportunities to [...] question their assumptions that they make."

In this mini-episode, host Chris Angel (they/them) revisits this tip and introduces why coming out is a privilege, complicated, and nuanced. They also talk about how if LGBTQ+ youth are considering coming out, they need a safety plan if they have any reason to believe they might be rejected by their families. In fact, it may be best to wait. Instead of self-reflections this episode, Chris Angel is asking for you to help get the Equality Act passed in the United States Senate or get involved with helping to get LGBTQ+ protections passed where you live.

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💻 Sources and resources from this episode:

✔️ Actions to take:

  1. Use the Movement Advancement Project’s website to see what work there is still to be done in the United States and your state/territory.

  2. Join LGBTQ+ equality organizations. They can be for an entire state, the nation, or other specific geographical locations (such as North or South). Sign up for action alerts.

  3. Help to get the Equality Act passed in the Senate. You can see actions here on HRC’s page or Equality Time’s and check out the fact sheet on the White House website.

Full Transcript

Chris Angel Murphy 0:18

Thanks for listening to Allyship is a Verb, the LGBTQ+ podcast that explores and humanizes practicing allyship for the LGBTQ+ community and beyond. I am your host, Chris Angel, and my pronouns are they/them.

Chris Angel Murphy 0:38

On the last episode, we met Josée.

Josée Sovinsky 0:40

Hi folks, I'm Josée Sovinsky. My pronouns are she and her.

Chris Angel Murphy 0:45

What's one allyship tip you'd like for everyone listening to consider?

Josée Sovinsky 0:52

We really need to expand our views in terms of how sexuality shows up for folks, how their sexual orientation shows up. We need to really think outside of this, like, binary of people are gay or straight. And that's like, you know, the very much the predominant narrative and that harms so many people for so many different reasons. And not just, again, not just bi folks, but really folks of various sexual orientations.

Josée Sovinsky 1:21

Um so yeah, so I would, I would encourage people to, to get really curious about the assumptions that they make, even when they're, for example, like watching a TV show, right? And there's a couple that they might assume is like a queer couple or lesbian couple, right? And be like, "Oh, wait a minute. I know nothing about these people's genders. I know nothing about their sexual orientation. I'm 100% assuming based on like, previous narratives that I've absorbed." So that would be one- one thing that I would encourage folks to do is- is actively seek out opportunities to like question their assumptions that they make.

Chris Angel Murphy 2:01

Inspired by our conversation, I feel moved to talk more about coming out. Coming out is layered and nuanced. It refers to when someone comes out of the closet and shares about their identity or identities within the LGBTQ+ community. This can also include a name and pronoun sets. Coming out isn't easy, because a lot must be considered.

Chris Angel Murphy 2:26

What's interesting about this is that our society assumes straight or heterosexual is the default. When we hear people use the term heteronormative, that means "denoting or relating to a worldview that promotes heterosexuality as the normal or preferred sexual orientation." You are straight until proven otherwise. This is a harmful assumption because it puts further onus on the LGBTQ+ community members to feel pressure to come out. Coming out is complicated. Although we have National Coming Out Day on October 11, it is a privilege to come out. Not everyone has this opportunity. It doesn't look the same for everyone.

Chris Angel Murphy 3:12

If you work with youth, or maybe you're a younger listener, youth have to really wrestle with staying in the closet or not, because if they are financially dependent upon their family, they may have to wait. In the United States, while 18 is considered old enough to move out, college complicates this further. Youth are dependent on their families for Federal Student Aid until the age of 24. Then they're looking at age 26, if they want to stay on their family's health insurance. That's a huge chunk of their life to stay in the closet. What about dating? Social media? It's gotten increasingly more complicated to hide things.

Chris Angel Murphy 3:57

If you're a young person, if you work directly with youth, or have any youth in your life who are considering coming out, the most critical thing is to come up with a safety plan. Although it's an unfortunate reality that someone may have to plan for the worst, it's easier to go into the coming out process with a safety plan than nothing at all. If you or a young person you're working with has any reason to believe their family may reject them, especially if they are financially dependent upon them, I highly advise against coming out. Instead, partner up with a trusted adult to see about ways to find safer spaces. I'll be including resources on the episode page on the podcast's website.

Chris Angel Murphy 4:46

And although at the time of recording this, it's the year 2021, we still don't have federal protections. That's why we need the Equality Act. The Equality Act would "provide consistent and explicit non-discrimination protections for LGBTQ people across key areas of life. That includes employment, housing, credit, education, public spaces and services, federally funded programs, and jury service." Imagine living somewhere where you can be fired for being gay or in some places even for just being perceived to be gay. Being denied housing. Being turned away from medical care, because it's against the doctor's religion. Not being able to adopt, when so many youth need a home.

Chris Angel Murphy 5:30

There are even states and territories where people claim gay or trans panic defense to justify their actions. I'm now going to take a moment to read from the movement advancement projects website, which features maps and issues impacting the LGBTQ community. "The so-called ‘gay and trans panic’ defenses are legal strategies, which according to the American Bar Association, 'seek to partially or completely excuse crimes, such as murder and assault, on the grounds that the victim's sexual orientation or gender identity is to blame for the defendants violent reaction.' Research by the Williams Institute shows that 'no state recognizes gay and trans panic defenses as freestanding defenses under their respective penal codes,’ but defendants have used panic defenses in conjunction with other defense strategies to attempt to reduce the severity of their charges or sentencing. These defenses are based in irrational fears and prejudice toward LGBTQ people. And they imply that violence against LGBTQ people is acceptable or understandable under certain conditions. The American Bar Association issued a unanimous resolution in 2013, calling on ‘federal, tribal, state, local and territorial governments’ to prohibit the use of this defense, but many states still permit this practice.” There's some countries where the LGBTQ+ community is outright hunted down.

Chris Angel Murphy 7:07

Let's stop saying who cares when someone comes out. Let's stop assuming straight is the default. Let's stop making assumptions or gossiping about people, including sharing if someone came out to you, if you don't have consent to share it with others. Let's stop saying, "but you look straight." These practices are really harmful. And now that you have a slightly better idea, hopefully, of some of the issues that can impact LGBTQ+ community members, maybe you can see now why these kinds of assumptions are harmful and wrong.

Chris Angel Murphy 7:43

Instead of journaling today, I am asking you to help us get the Equality Act passed in the Senate. Please go to the website for where and how you can take action here in the United States. If you live outside of the United States, I also encourage you to seek out what's happening in your country and see how you can get involved to increase the protections for the LGBTQ+ community. Don't forget to check local efforts, too like in your state or city.

Chris Angel Murphy 8:12

As I round out this episode, I don't want to paint a picture that we're always going to be under attack. That we will always have laws that are discriminatory or no protections in place. I also don't want to make any claims that we're just going to be doomed no matter what. That's not what this episode is getting at.

Chris Angel Murphy 8:35

I also don't think it's helpful to claim that folks are so brave or resilient for overcoming any of the things that I've mentioned in this episode. There's many LGBTQ+ community members who are actually quite offended if you call them brave, because for us, we're just trying to live our lives and we don't feel like we have a choice.

Chris Angel Murphy 8:58

If you've been listening to this podcast for a while now, you'll know that I use the term "inviting in." This is a term that is starting to resonate with folks more and more, because it does feel like inviting folks in to know a fuller, richer, deeper version of who we are. And it's also a reality that not everyone deserves to have access to that kind of information. So please remember that coming out is a very personal decision and no one owes you their story or their identities.

Chris Angel Murphy 9:36

Visit AllyshipIsAVerb.com for any resources and a full transcript of the episode. Thank you for practicing allyship with me. And please give this podcast a review on Apple podcasts.

 
Charlie Ocean https://www.chrisangelmurphy.com
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